Very Good Advice, #02: JCE (Or, How the Sausage Is Made)
dear bijan:
I really like internet shorthand like lol omg g2g brb etc. i like it because it confuses my parents and it makes me feel like a secret code speaker and also like i am a robot from the future. I've started to make up my own shorthand for things that I actually do, for example, JCE for "just cackled evilly" -- because I really do cackle evilly a lot and it's a useful term to let someone know what just happened. That I cackled, evilly, just now.
I want it to catch on but I don't really know how to do this except by just saying it a lot and acting like it's already cool. But so far only one other person has said it and I basically forced him to. How does internet lingo spread? can the dogged persistence of one woman make it happen? Do i need to hang out in more evil villain chatrooms? How can i make this thing big?
-- JCE
illo via the inimitable Hallie Bateman, who doesn't haunt my nightmares
Dear JCE,
GTHFY! (Good to hear from you!)
I confess, I almost wrote my response in acronyms I just made up (AIJMU) and nonstandard ideograms to prove a point, but that seemed like a lot more work than you put into your question, LOL!
Anyway, let’s get started, JCE. I’ve got good news for you: As you know—I assume, send another letter if you don’t—the Internet is a wild and magical place; from the furries to the 4chans, there’s something on here for everyone. But have you seen how sausage is made? With “fresh”, “all-natural” “meat”, “spices”, “human” workers, and “robots”. There’s enough subtext in there to make you want to be a vegan, because at least plants don’t lie about what they are. That’s something only meats, meat byproducts, and your exes do.
And meat is what we’ve got here, JCE. 100% USDA Select + Internet beefmeat. What we want is sausage. As my failed-Air Force-cadet-cum-high school soccer coach used to say: “Jesus Christ, score a fuckin’ goal!” Don’t take his advice literally; the T.K. Gorman Crusaders certainly didn’t. What he really meant was this: Take the meat you’re made of and score something with it. JCE, I want you spread your acronym far and wide. For all we know, we need it—like, just now, right then, I cackled evilly.
The Internet is a bunch of #nerds and 1337 h4x0rs who pathologically crave affirmation, which means there’s literally no logic to how things spread*. My only real advice is this: Either make the people feel cool & good about themselves or give them a useful tool they didn’t have before. From your letter, I get the sense that you’ve already got what you need—doggéd persistence and access to encrypted NSA chatrooms. Give the people something they didn’t know they needed. It worked for potato chips and Ronald McDonald, why not you?
On the other hand, it might be easier to give up and wait for death to claim you as her own. It's up to you!
I will never die but you might,
bijan
*Does not apply to multinational corporations with 9-figure ad budgets
Today's Very Good Advice brought to you, my love, by No Tears, Only Dreams Now LLC.